Categorical Aperitif

For some reason—it seemed like a good idea at the time? possession? tequila-fueled fever dream?—I subscribe to the New York Times's Breaking News email news alerts. Often, they're pretty unremarkable—so-and-so athlete and/or group of athletes wins thus-and-such major sporting event—but lately, they've all been about banks. And boy, have they been full of euphemisms.

Goldman Sachs Earns $3.44 Billion in Quarter

Goldman Sachs on Tuesday said it earned $3.44 billion in the second quarter, a much higher-than-expected figure that underscores how quickly the Wall Street firm has bounced back from last fall's financial crisis.

Yeah, they "bounced back." Right. This couldn't have anything to do with how, as Matt Taibbi says, "If America is circling the drain, Goldman Sachs has found a way to be that drain."

JPMorgan Chase Posts $2.7 Billion Profit

JPMorgan Chase reported net income of $2.7 billion in the second quarter, a 36 percent rise from a year earlier, as it reported record fees from its investment banking unit.

The earnings, which exceeded analysts' expectations, were the latest sign that the strongest banks were finding a bright patch in the midst of economic troubles and financial crises.

"A bright patch"! Yay! It shines out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.

Bank of America Posts $2.42 Billion Profit on Trading Gains

Bank of America reported a quarterly profit of $2.42 billion, or 33 cents per share, beating Wall Street forecasts.

Like Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan Chase earlier this week, it reported a handsome profit from its trading business. But the company, one of the most troubled big banks, said that "difficult challenges lie ahead."

"A handsome profit"—why, it'll probably be elected prom king.

Citigroup Reports $4.3 Billion Earned in Second Quarter

Citigroup posted a second-quarter profit of $4.3 billion on Friday, beating analysts' forecasts. But its earnings were lifted primarily by the sale of its Smith Barney unit, which helped offset a decline in operating revenues as the company continued to be hobbled by the economic and financial crisis.

Jeez, Tiny Tim should be hobbled to the tune of $4.3 billion.

Economic downturn? Not for these members of the owning class, thank you very much.

And I do mean members.