Categorical Aperitif

Economics according to Glenn Beck:

This is what she [Michelle Obama] said at a North Carolina campaign stop, and I quote, "The truth is, most Americans don't want much. Folks don't want the whole pie." I do. But I -- there's a fat man screaming to get out of me. "Most Americans feel blessed to thrive just a little bit." Well, good, let's lower the bar. "But that's out of reach for them." And then she continued, "The truth is, in order to get things like universal health care and revamped education system, then someone is going to have to give up a piece of their pie so someone else can have more." Well, hello and welcome back, Karl Marx.

A redistribution of pie doesn't make me feel any better. Thanks, but no thanks, Michelle. When it comes to pie, or money, I'll take all I can get. I want all my pie. I should be able to keep my pie. And you know what? I want you to have a huge piece of pie, as well. Have the whole thing. It's not because I'm -- I'm selfish, I'm not. Unlike the Obamas, I happen to give away more than 1 percent of my income to charity.

The bottom line is this: success and money -- it's not finite. This is America. That's not a zero-sum game. There's as much as you feel like working for it. You know, you've got to -- you got to look at money and success as the ocean. It doesn't hurt the ocean to back a dump truck up to it and take a bunch of water out of it. There's more. Stand in line, go get it. Let's stop thinking about pieces of pie, and remember that if you wanted to look at it as pie, this is America. We're a freaking bakery. Bake more. Make as many pies as you want.

Um, no. Wealth is not like the ocean; it's not just out there waiting for someone to back a dump truck (?) up to it. See, Glenn, your pie metaphor could be instructive for you here if only you'd pay closer attention to it. A pie, after all, isn't natural; it has to be made. And surely Marx's point is that, too often under capitalism, the people whose labor actually makes the pie don't wind up getting their fare share of it; instead, the pie is "owned" by someone else who, all too often under capitalism, pays the people who made it as little as possible for their labor and keeps the rest. Except, I guess, for the bit that gets paid to people like you to go on TV and obfuscate the issue by offering poorly thought-out metaphors and screaming "Marxism! Socialism!" anytime someone suggests that the existing system of distribution is not sufficiently fair. Whether you earn your piece honestly (by being an idiot) or dishonestly (by being a whore), I cannot say—and I doubt that your masters care. I just look forward to the day when your fifteen minutes are over and you can retire into the future of mattress-shilling obscurity you so richly deserve. Hasten the day, --nash