Categorical Aperitif

The Nation's Stuart Klawans is probably my favorite film critic—not so much because I might agree with him (I might not) but because, when he tackles Big Hollywood Movies, his reviews are often far more interesting than the films he's writing about. Check out what he does to The Da Vinci Code (which, I admit, I have little interest in either seeing or reading):

My spiritual adviser, Rabbi Simcha Feffeferman, is learning to use e-mail. Lucky me. Rebbe@AnsheTsurris.org writes:

Da Vinci Code director Ron Howard, known as Opie = O.P. Symbolologically, this means Opus Payee, ancient Hollywood brotherhood! They make fun of you for watching their movies, and still they get paid!

Writer Akiva Goldsman obviously descended from Rabbi Akiva of blessed memory, who derived volumes of law even from the squiggles on letters of holy Torah. Strange. Why didn't this Akiva derive so much as a piece herring from a "book" everybody reads?

Also a mystery: Audrey Tautou = tow to = 22, not high caliber! Why her for this movie? She's French, she's pretty. Eleanor Powell she's not, let alone the living vulva of Jesus Christ.

And Mr. Big Star Tom Hanks with his Harvard Professor hair—deeper mystery. Change "H" to "Y" and you got Tom Yanks! Does he? All he's pulling here is a straight face, and then not even.

You see the pattern? It all works by opposites! The secret code is, "Grail, shmail. Just give us the money." But what I say, like we did in yeshiva, is, "The truth is out there."

Gillian Anderson—some Magdalene she'd make!

To that thought, all I can add is Grrrrrrrrrrr.